Kelsey’s Top 10 List of “Things a Girl Should Know About Dating a Tiger”

January 13, 2014

The first thing you need to know is that tigers eat and they eat a lot so keep a backpack full of things they can snack on especially if the Golden Fruit isn’t available. Some favorites include: fried chicken bones, and all, giant sandwiches, and double chocolate chip peanut butter cookies. In fact, keeping a jar of peanut butter handy is always a good thing; just make sure you have a container of hand wipes.
Whatever the tiger may say to convince you, don’t let him stalk you. It’s not a game or fun or romantic. It’s just plain scary. Trust me, I know.
Always carry a pack of sanitizing wipes to take care of the errant tiger arm licking.
You might want to add a pair of tweezers to your bag. When walking through the jungle, tigers often get thorns and twigs stuck in their paws. It also helps if you need to remove porcupine barbs, for those times when the tiger ignores your advice and seeks out a porcupine snack.
Watch out for their claws. Even though they try to be careful, I’ve been scratched accidentally several times. Try to angle yourself away from the claws whenever possible.
Tigers are much like other cats. They save up all their energy for hunting and eating and chasing girls which means they like to sleep a lot. Get them a nice cozy rug and put it in the sunshine or near a window. It’s likely they’ll position themselves between you and the door. They feel much more relaxed and comfortable if they know you are settled safely behind them.
When swimming watch out for the tiger version of the dive bomb aka a belly flop. It packs a real punch. Also let the tiger get out of the pool first and shake himself off before you get out. Side note: Tigers love it when their fur gets blow dried but they’d never admit it in public. Afterwards they look a bit like giant striped poodles who wandered accidentally into a beauty school.
Use caution when sleeping near a tiger. They are very warm which is wonderful but remember they weigh about five hundred pounds. If they roll over they can pretty much smother you.
Tigers like a lot of affection. They enjoy getting scratched behind the ear, kisses on the tops of their heads, and receiving pets on their shoulders and backs. They don’t like tail or whisker pulling and unless you want sandpaper tongue licks, avoid the face.
Lastly, when dating a tiger you should call all your male relatives and friends and warn them to keep a distance. Tigers are very territorial and will not tolerate another male coming around what he considers his domain. Jealousy takes the form of huge martial arts battles and causes more trouble than it’s worth.

Now that you know the basics, you’re ready to start looking for your own tiger. Sadly, there aren’t too many left in the world and the shape shifting type are even more difficult to find. I think a vacation in India would be the best bet.

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Colleen Houck

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Kelsey’s Top 10 List of “Things a Girl Should Know About Dating a Tiger”

January 13, 2014

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Colleen Houck