Colleen Houck

“I took hold of that scourge -filled ship and crushed it between my limbs, hurtling it into the second sun, the red one that gave me strength. But I was too late." Terraformer

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  • Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    January 13, 2015

    The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    I always give spoilers so consider yourself warned. =)

    Colleen’s Movie Review

    Romance: Oh boy. Here we go. For me the only romance was between me and Legolas as I watched him in the film. There was a pseudo-romance between dwarf Kili and elf Tauriel. It was supposed to be some great love affair that broke her heart in this film since he was killed and yet there was absolutely no reason for them to be in love. They met, sure. They might have been attracted to each other. There were long looks. Otherwise there was no love story there. Also, it pretty much stinks that he’s at least a foot shorter than her. It’s weird. Legolas was so in love with her that if they had fallen for each other and she died instead, that would have been much more emotional and would have explained Legolas being a loner later on. As it was, the romance fell flat and was entirely unbelievable especially when there were other guys to look at such as the aforementioned Legolas and Bard, the hero of Laketown. Bard is a dumb name by the way.

    Special Effects: The special effects were as good as you could want if you’re a LOTR fan. It was pretty much an awesome battle scene and the costumes were fabulous.

    What I Liked: The dragon. Hands down the best scene was the dragon desolating the town which, according to the title of The Hobbit 2, should have happened in the last movie. I liked the wizards gathering to put down Sauron. I liked the rabbit sleigh. I liked the battle scenes. There were some cool, new things to see as far as mounts (pig, big horn sheep, and some kind of moose/deer) and monsters. I really liked that Legolas was there. 

    What I’d Change: The entire story. Nothing happened. Dragon gets killed then a giant battle for the mountain, a little going crazy spiral, and that was mostly it. Throw in the tiniest wizard scene but otherwise it was all battle, all orcs, all the time.

    The entire timeline is screwed up now. At the end of the movie, the elf king, uhh, Thranduil, have to look up all of these dumb names, sent Legolas off to find a young Aragorn, AKA Strider, also had to look that up. Even assuming that Bilbo is middle aged for a hobbit, heck, even retirement aged, the Fellowship doesn’t assemble until after Bilbo’s 111st birthday. Aragorn, who is a human, even if he was a young man at the time, would be long dead by then or at least too old to head off on such a quest. I think Bilbo would have to be much older in the movie for this timeline to work.

    The romance was silly and had no relevance. Honestly, if Legolas wasn’t in the movie, I don’t think it would even be worth watching. 

    It would have been nice to tie the Hobbit into the Lord of the Rings a little bit better at the end than just hearing Gandalf’s voice just before Bilbo’s 111st birthday party. I would have liked to have seen Frodo or Samwise, or heck, even Gollum.

    The Tagline:

    The Defining Chapter
    Witness the defining chapter of the Middle-Earth saga.

    I hate to say it but if this was the defining chapter, I don’t think any of the other films would have been made. Unless your definition of the movies is Orc battle. Then, yeah, there’s a lot of that going on.

    Hunky Hero: There were a lot of hunky heroes. I really liked Bard, still a dumb name. The elf king wasn’t half bad. Legolas is still hunky. I even liked Kili other than his stature.


    It wasn’t a lack of hunky heroes. It was a lack of them doing anything at all other than fighting. I like a good fight as much as the next girl but enough is enough. How about some dialogue? 


    The Villain: Sauron makes a brief appearance as do the Nazgul, at least I think that’s what they were. Benedict Cumberbatch was far and away the best villain. All the villains in this film were CGI which is unfortunate because I don’t really feel their presence as much on film. Had to look up names again. One orc guy is Bolg and the other one is called Azog. Azog had a wicked sword-appendage thing going on. Not sure how that doesn’t chafe.


    Best Line: 

    Thranduil: So this is the Halfling who ate my food and stole keys from my guard.

    Bilbo Baggins: Yes. Sorry about that.

    This was actually funny in the movie though it doesn’t really read that way.

    Best Scene: 

    Where Thranduil tells Legolas to go find Aragorn. I wanted to go with him and see what Aragorn was up to. It had to be more interesting than what was going on at Mt. Doom.

    Recommended for YA Fans: If you saw every other Hobbit and LOTR movie you might as well finish it up.

    Compared to the Book: I haven’t read the Hobbit in a long, long time but I don’t recognize most of this.



    A Guy’s Perspective

    2014-02-01 22.54.02

    Bio: I’m Colleen’s husband, Brad. I’m the youngest of four kids. I’ve been Deaf since I was five so I watch every movie with caption glasses. I love sports and reading (I’ll admit I’ve read Twilight but prefer thrillers like Jack Reacher). My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. I’ll never turn down a taco. I write poetry. My man credentials include: a high school career in wrestling, watching sports every time my wife is too busy to notice, a receding hairline, two repaired ACL’s, and a stockpile of Axe body wash.


    The Hobbit: The Battle to Finally End the Three-Film Circus


    Finally, it’s here—the final installment of the nonsensical three-film spoof of the Hobbit!  Peter Jackson can hang up his director’s cap and call it a career. He went out with a bang and he got it in probably the longest 144 minutes film I’ve ever seen. It will doubtlessly rank among the highest-grossing films of 2014 because so many people love Middle-earth, and they don’t seem to mind the blatant destruction of one of Tolkien’s finest novels: The Hobbit.


    I loved reading The Hobbit, but apart from Bilbo Baggins discovering the Ring and dueling with Gollum in a riddle-battle (as seen in 2012), the three Hobbit films bore little resemblance to Tolkien’s original novel. But let me say that Mr. Jackson can create entertaining and interesting battle scenes like no other director. It was certainly action-packed and CGI-extensive. Legolas, the only original LOTR character in this film, and Thorin, the leader of the Dwarves, had some cool stunts and battles, even if they were too outlandish to be believed with my own eyes. The deep-seated animosity between the Elves and the Dwarves seems to vanish while they battle with Azog and the Orcs. I’m not sure how that happened so simply, but then there was very little attempt at character development through the entire Hobbit series.


    The last-gasp effort to tie-in the movie into the LOTR series was weak at best. When Bilbo finally arrives home from his journey, he suddenly transforms into a much-older Hobbit, and hears Gandalf calling out to him (“Hullo, Bilbo, my old friend”) and then we see Thorin’s map of Middle-earth. The end. Really? That’s it? No birthday party? (Which was how the LOTR all got started…) No peek of Elijah Woods just one last time? Well then, perhaps it is high time for Mr. Jackson, and for all of us, to finally move on. You know, like a long-distance relationship that is grating and really headed nowhere. What’s really sad to me is that all three films were and are largely forgettable. 

    This film gets 4 Azog Smash Fists.




    This entry was posted in A Guy's Perspective, Movie Review.

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    Author Bio
    Colleen Houck

    New York Times Bestselling author Colleen Houck is a lifelong reader whose literary interests include action, adventure, paranormal, science fiction, and romance. When she's not busy writing, she likes to spend time chatting on the phone with one of her six siblings, watching plays, and shopping online. Colleen has lived in Arizona, Idaho, Utah, California, and North Carolina and is now permanently settled in Salem, Oregon with her husband and a huge assortment of plush tigers.